Need Moar Signs!

If only I had some of these signs to put up around the office and on a few people's desks

Free Puppies

From: Cathy Grey

Date: Thursday 31 October 2013 08:12am

To: All Employees

Subject: Large box of puppies left in the lunchroom

Hello Everyone,

It has come to my attention that a large box of puppies has been left in the staff lunchroom with a sign that says “Free Puppies”. Would the owner of these puppies please contact me immediately!

Thank you,

Cathy Grey

Interim Human Resources Manager

__________________________________________________

From: Nick Alexander

Date: Thursday 31 October 2013 08:12am

To: Cathy Grey

Subject: Re: Large box of puppies left in the lunchroom

Hi Cathy,

What kind of puppies are they?

Kind Regards,

Nick Alexander

__________________________________________________

From: Cathy Grey

Date: Thursday 31 October 2013 08:13am

To: Nick Alexander

Subject: Re: Re: Large box of puppies left in the lunchroom

Nick, I’m not sure. Here is a picture of them.

Thank you,

Cathy Grey

Interim Human Resources Manager

__________________________________________________

From: Nick Alexander

Date: Thursday 31 October 2013 08:15am

To: Cathy Grey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Large box of puppies left in the lunchroom

Aren't they cute? I didn't know you had dogs. How much are you selling them for?

Regards Nick

__________________________________________________

From: Cathy Grey

Date: Thursday 31 October 2013 08:18am

To: Nick Alexander

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Large box of puppies left in the lunchroom

They are not mine. The puppies are free. Do you know who left them here?

Thank you,

Cathy Grey

Interim Human Resources Manager

  __________________________________________________

From: Nick Alexander

Date: Thursday 31 October 2013 08:21am

To: All Employees

Subject: FREE PUPPIES!!!

Cathy has brought in a box of puppies and is giving them away for free! They are at her desk in HR everyone should go and have a look.

Clearly Cathy can’t afford them and is unable to provide them a good home because she is a bad mother; so she is giving them up for adoption.

Regards, Nick

__________________________________________________

From: Cathy Grey

Date: Thursday 31 October 2013 08:22am

To: All Employees

Subject: Re: FREE PUPPIES!!!

They are not my puppies. Does anyone know who brought them in? We are going to have to call the SPCA if no one comes forward.

Thank you,

Cathy Grey

Interim Human Resources Manager

__________________________________________________

From: Nick Alexander

Date: Thursday 31 October 2013 08:36am

To: Cathy Grey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Large box of puppies left in the lunchroom

Cathy,

Because I am a good person I have decided to help you with your problem since no one has adopted any of your puppies. I can only imagine what it must feel like to be a terrible mother.

I have made up some signs and put them up around the office for you.

Regards, Nick

__________________________________________________

From: Cathy Grey

Date: Thursday 31 October 2013 08:39am

To: Nick Alexander

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Large box of puppies left in the lunchroom

What the hell is wrong with you? Go and take those down right now! I don’t have any money to give away.

Thank you,

Cathy Grey

Interim Human Resources Manager

 __________________________________________________

From: Nick Alexander

Date: Thursday 31 October 2013 08:46am

To: Cathy Grey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Large box of puppies left in the lunchroom

I’m not sure that I am allowed to remove any fixtures from the office. Last week you sent out a notice explaining that the maintenance folks are union. As such we should not be doing certain things around the office such as changing light bulbs or removing fixtures as this would take work away from the union and could cause a strike.

Regards Nick

__________________________________________________

From: Cathy Grey

Date: Thursday 31 October 2013 08:46am

To: Nick Alexander

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Large box of puppies left in the lunchroom

This was all you wasn't it? I know you had something to do with this. You are such a dick!!!!! Margaret warned me about you.

Thank you,

Cathy Grey

Interim Human Resources Manager

__________________________________________________

From: Joel McBride

Date: Thursday 31 October 2013 08:52am

To: All Employees

Subject: Re: Re: FREE PUPPIES!!!

Hello Cathy,

I would like to take one of the puppies you brought in. My daughter will be very happy.

Good for you, taking responsibility to provide a good home for these puppies instead of abandoning them or drowning them in the river.

Everyone should take note of the good example Cathy is setting.

Will the $200 be cash or cheque? I will come by your desk at 5 o’clock.

Sincerely,

Joel McBride

VP Human Resources

__________________________________________________

From: Heather Worsely

Date: Thursday 31 October 2013 09:14am

To: Cathy Grey

Subject: Re: Re: FREE PUPPIES!!!

Hi Cathy,

Do you still have any puppies left? I hope I’m not too late. Is there a limit on how many I can take? I was thinking I would take 3 as I think I can keep one and find a home for the other 2. Is it still $200 per puppy?

Thank you,

Heather Worsely

Manager, Accounts Payable

__________________________________________________

From: Cathy Grey

Date: Thursday 31 October 2013 09:18am

To: Nick Alexander

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Large box of puppies left in the lunchroom

I hate you and I hope you rot in hell!

Thank you,

Cathy Grey

Interim Human Resources Manager

More Drunk Texts

This is one of the many reasons I am not allowed to drink and text. This and a certain court order I don't want to talk about.

My friends are always trying to ruin a good time

The American Journal of Science

So Much Rejection

How to win with HR

From: Margaret Fletcher

Date: Monday 28, October 2013 11:32am

To: Nick Alexander

Subject: Complaint regarding your conduct

Hello Nick,

It has come to my attention that we may need to have a conversation about your behaviour and conduct in the office. Could you please come by and see me at your convenience?

Thank you,

Margaret Fletcher

Human Resources Manager

__________________________________________________

From: Nick Alexander

Date: Monday 28, October 2013 11:47am

To: Margaret Fletcher

Subject: Re: Complaint regarding your conduct

Margaret,

Certainly, I have taken the liberty of scheduling a meeting for us at my convenience.

Kind Regards,

Nick Alexander

__________________________________________________

From: Margaret Fletcher

Date: Monday 28, October 2013 11:48am

To: Nick Alexander

Subject: Re: Re: Complaint regarding your conduct

Mr. Alexander, I am not sure that you are taking this matter seriously. Do you really expect that the HR department owes you an apology? For what?

You set this meeting for the year 2016!

This is exactly the type of behavior that we need to talk about. Please make some time available this afternoon to talk.

Thank you,

Margaret Fletcher

Human Resources Manager

__________________________________________________

From: Nick Alexander

Date: Monday 28, October 2013 11:51am

To: Margaret Fletcher

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Complaint regarding your conduct

Maggie,

It is easy to see why you may be confused in regards to you owing me an apology for this terrible mistake you have made. I understand that people become HR managers because real school is hard. At least you tried to do something with your life and that is admirable.

I do not understand if there is an issue or not with the meeting time I have set. You made a statement that clearly I was aware of as I set the meeting. I can only assume that this is some cryptic HR tactic and you are being passive aggressive. The meeting was set in accordance with your instructions, at my convenience. If this is not what you wanted you should have stated otherwise.

Also this afternoon will not work for me as I have a previous meeting scheduled that I simply cannot cancel.

Regards Nick

__________________________________________________

From: Margaret Fletcher

Date: Monday 28, October 2013 11:53am

To: Nick Alexander

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Complaint regarding your conduct

My name is not Maggie.

I am insulted by your statement. I went to a real school and have a degree in human resource management.

You are making this very difficult. This is a serious matter and we need to talk about it today. I checked your calendar and you have the entire afternoon blocked off with a meeting called “Not Meeting with HR – Busy”. This is not acceptable.

Find a time that works for you and arrange for us to meet.

Thank you,

Margaret Fletcher

Human Resources Manager

 __________________________________________________

From: Nick Alexander

Date: Monday 28, October 2013 11:56am

To: Margaret Fletcher

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Complaint regarding your conduct

Marge,

I apologize, after looking into it you are correct, you did attend a real school. I was not aware that the Adult Learning Center was considered a formal education. I learn something new every day.

As you have not stated what the matter at hand is, I am unable to make any assertion as to the true seriousness of the matter.

I have considered your last email and have checked my schedule to find a time that works for me. I propose the following time for you to make your formal apology.

Regards, Nick

__________________________________________________

From: Margaret Fletcher

Date: Monday 28, October 2013 11:59am

To: Nick Alexander

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Complaint regarding your conduct

Mr. Alexander your conduct is completely inappropriate and I will have to write a formal statement.

Do not call me Marge.

This matter is very serious. There was a complaint that you said “Hey sailor” to Sean Musenukle and then pinched him on his rear end. This could be grounds for dismissal and we need to talk about this.

Again, you have sent the same meeting invite for 2016. This will not work. Please take this matter more seriously.

When can I come by your office to discuss this?

Thank you,

Margaret Fletcher

Human Resources Manager

 __________________________________________________

From: Nick Alexander

Date: Monday 28, October 12:03pm

To: Margaret Fletcher

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Complaint regarding your conduct

Madge,

I see this is going to be a challenge as you often seem to be easily confused. Perhaps the Adult Learning Center should have its curriculum audited.

Again you are making statements that I am already aware of. I am not sure why you insist on sharing information with me that I already know. I know because I was there. Perhaps if I use smaller words with pictures it would help eliminate the confusion.

Did Sean Musenukle (how do you say his last name?) tell on me? I knew a school girl that was like that. She was always running to the teacher saying terrible things like “Nick put gum in my hair.” Or “Nick let me cheat off him but he gave me all the wrong answers.”

I am not sure Sean’s behaviour is conducive to this collaborative team environment. Would you like to talk about this some more?

Regards Nick

__________________________________________________

From: Margaret Fletcher

Date: Monday 28, October 12:11pm

To: Nick Alexander

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Complaint regarding your conduct

Nick,

My name is Margaret!

Are you admitting that that you said “Hey sailor” to Sean Musenunkle and then pinched is rear end? And it is pronounced moose knuckle.

Referring to Sean as a “school girl” is also not appropriate. We are taking about your behaviour and not Sean’s.

Now what do you have to say for yourself?

Thank you,

Margaret Fletcher

Human Resources Manager

__________________________________________________

From: Nick Alexander

Date: Monday 28, October 2013 12:14pm

To: Margaret Fletcher

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Complaint regarding your conduct

Peggy,

I once watched a documentary where a university taught some chimps to speak sign language. Perhaps the Adult Learning Center could adapt similar techniques in their education strategy. It could only help.

For the record I said I knew a school girl not that Sean was one. Do you think he acts like a school girl? I am an adult and do not need to be told how inappropriate it would be to refer to another man as a school girl. I’m not sure what kind of person you think I am?

I can make arrangements to come by your office in about an hour for your apology. Would it be possible for you to provide it and writing? You could then simply read it aloud.

Also when I come by could you sign my overtime sheet? This is using up my lunch break and I will need authorization for the overtime.

Regards Nick

 __________________________________________________

From: Margaret Fletcher

Date: Monday 28, October 2013 12:19pm

To: Nick Alexander

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Complaint regarding your conduct

Jesus Christ my name is Margaret! That is it, just Margaret. My friends call me Margaret.

Look, I don’t know what game you are trying to play here. I know that you said “Hey sailor” to Moose Knuckle and then grabbed his ass and you did it in a gay voice. I know this because he came running to me like a little "school girl" because you hurt his feelings.

You are not getting any overtime and I am not going to sign your sheet.

I am going to write a letter for your file and recommend that you be terminated.

Thank you,

Margaret Fletcher

Human Resources Manager

 __________________________________________________

From: Nick Alexander

Date: Monday 28, October 2013 12:22pm

To: Margaret Fletcher

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Complaint regarding your conduct

Dear Margaret,

I am very troubled by your last email. While I am glad that you consider me a friend and that I may call you Margaret as the rest of your friends do, I feel we need to address some of your accusations.

I think it is wrong for you to call Mr. Musenukle “Moose Knuckle”, I am sure it would hurt his feelings to know this. Did you know he was teased a lot as a child?

I did say hey sailor to Sean. He was talking to everyone about his new shirt. It was nautical themed. I said “Hey sailor” in a jovial manner and in celebration of his new shirt. When Sean turned around he had some food stuck to his rear pocket. It looked like part of a cookie. I removed it because I wouldn't want to walk around with that stuck to my pocket and have people laughing at me.

What I am most upset about is that fact you said I sound homosexual and that you are recommending that I be terminated because of this.

I’m not sure if you are aware but the employment standards acts states that I am entitled to overtime when I work it. Your refusal of overtime is in fact illegal. The Adult Learning Center my not have taught you this and I’m not sure if this is covered in HR courses, but there is a website and everything where you can verify this information.

Could you please arrange a time at your convenience so that we may talk about your behaviour and conduct in the office and also so that you may apologize to me.

Regards Nick

 __________________________________________________

From: Margaret Fletcher

Date: Monday 28, October 2013 12:23pm

To: Nick Alexander

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Complaint regarding your conduct

Nick, we are not friends and you cannot call me Margaret! You and Moose Knuckle can go fuck yourselves. You are both a bunch of school girls. You are not getting any kind of apology from me. You are a worthless human being. If you don't want to be called gay then don't act like one. Start looking for another job your kind is not welcome here. 

I have a degree in human resources and I know what the rules are. Go to hell!

Thank you,

Margaret Fletcher

Human Resources Manager

 __________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

From: Michael Woodswittle

Date: Monday 28, October 2013 1:14pm

To: All Employees

Subject: Margaret Fletcher, Human Resources Manager

Hello Everyone,

Effective immediately Ms. Fletcher will be taking some time off to work on personal matters and undergo some sensitivity training. In the interim Cathy Grey will be filling the role of Human Resources Manager. Please direct any HR matters to Cathy.

We wish Ms. Fletcher all the best in dealing with this personal matter.

Sincerely,

Mike Woodswittle

President & CEO 

Bad Boy Rickey... Bad!

I love the texts I get from friends. I don't even really question them as odd or remotely untrue anymore.

There Is No Sex In The Champagne Room... OK, There's Sex In The Champagne Room

Many years ago I used to run this little high-end boutique bar and lounge. It was opened by the people that had a restaurant upstairs. Generally I was left to my own demise in running the place. It was a well known fact that I was mostly likely drunk and trying to talk classy women into letting loose and doing some shots with the boys and me.

The owners were nice enough to throw us a staff Halloween party upstairs with the restaurant staff. It was a pretty good party filled with the usual sexy cat, sexy police officer, sexy saliormoon... you get the picture.

True to form I had decided that this party need to be taken up a notch. I went to the bar downstairs and grabbed a bottle of absinthe, came back up and started pouring shots. It wasn’t long before the party was a mess of drunken servers and bartenders dressed up as their favourite slutty or overly masculinised characters.  

I love these types of parties because people always do things they would never normally do. I had to servers that usually hate each other making out and grabbing each other’s tits. It was fantastic. One of my servers from the bar I managed came over to me and asked why I never hit on her or ask her out on a date.  I explained that she worked for me and that I could get in trouble. She then asked me if she quit tonight if I would hire her back tomorrow... I knew where this was going.

This server (we’ll call her Slutty Miss Officer) started yelling “I quit! I quit!” Mostly people just ignored her.  She grabbed me by the hand and said “you have a few hours to make the most of me not being your employee, what are you going to do to me?”

I know a sure thing when I see it, even if I am on the verge of alcohol poisoning. I took her downstairs practically dragging her drunken ass. I’m not even sure if she was making every step. In my mind I knew we had to find a quiet and private place to get naked. Of course all the usual spots were taken by other couples. This is when I remember that I have the keys to the champagne and wine storage room. This is perfect.

I take her into the champagne storage. I haven’t even got the door closed and she has my pants unzipped. I am so drunk that I am tripping over bottles that are stacked on the floor. Slutty Miss Officer is down on her knees working it like she’s in a casting couch audition. After a bit she stands up and flips her skirt up and pulls of her panties. She tries to put her thong on my head and manages to pull it down over my head. I now have her thong around my neck almost choking me.

The bar was closed and all the lights were turned off downstairs except for some little security lights. It was kind of hard to see anything. I have Slutty Miss Officer pressed up against the wall. She keeps complaining how cold it is. This is when it happens. My realization of where I went wrong. Just as we were getting down to the fast strokes, I see something. It takes me a minute to process what I am seeing. I can see two people standing on the stairs coming down from the restaurant. They are staring at me. How is this even possible?

I was so drunk and so eager to get it on with this chick that I did not comprehend that this little champagne room was made all of glass and at the top part of the bar. Apparently Slutty Miss Officer was either too drunk to realize herself or just simply had no fucks to give about getting it on in a see through room. We were like fish in a tank and the two people on the stairs were getting a free show.

As drunk as I was I couldn't make out who it was that was standing on the stairs. I thought about it and decided to do the only thing I could. I finished. I turned Slutty Miss Officer around and finished up porno style.

After she cleaned up we went back upstairs and no one said a word. Still to this date no one has ever brought it up and I still have no idea who was standing on the stairs. When I got home that night and got changed for bed I found I still had Slutty Miss Officer’s panties around my neck.

Slutty Miss Officer came back to work for her next shift like nothing had ever happened. I had to fire her about 2 months later and she hasn't spoken to me since. But I hear she is now working at a stripper bar.

Taking One for the Team

Every now and then it is sometimes necessary to take one for the team. This is usually predicated by the role of being a wing man and helping a buddy get his dinky stinky. But in this story it just simply is not the case.

There is a local cocktail lounge that my friends and I call our watering hole. We have been going there for years and have become somewhat iconic to the place. This being said we are rather protective of the establishment. We consider most of the staff friends and they consider us their income.

Over the years we have had a fair amount of influence over the hiring and firing practices here. Right or wrong this is reality. Last night we went in for some drinks. Some chick kept staring at us and then she walked behind the bar. I was shocked. I asked her "Do you work here or something?". She said she did. I have no idea how drunk the owner must have been to have even considered hiring her.

By no means was this chick cute enough to work there and she was slightly dumb too. And a little chunky I might add. This is a high-end fine cocktail lounge and it's clientele is very trendy. I called her over to talk to her and ask her name (we'll call her Chunks). Almost immediately I had to tell her not to talk anymore. She was bubbly and not the quirky cute kind. Fake and over produced.

Chunks asked what we wanted to drink and I ordered and Old Fashioned. She looked at me with her big doey, unintelligible brown eyes and asked "What's an Old Fashioned?" I told here not to worry about it and sent her on her way.

My friends were all in shock and clearly something had to be done. I asked the bartender what the deal was with Chucks. He shrugged his shoulders and said that one of the owners liked her. This was unacceptable. I can't come to this place and try to do my thing with someone like Chunks trying to be our server.

At this point my friends could already tell that I was thinking of how to fix the problem at hand. My friend Ricky looked at me and said "What? What are you going to do?" "I have and idea" I said.

"I am going to take one for the team because you guys are to pussy to deal with this with any sort of authority!" I proclaimed.

I laid out my planned. It was clear what had to be done. I had to have sex with Chunks. Awkward meaningless sex. The idea that she will become so uncomfortable that she will find another place to work.
This technique has been put to use before but the results aren't always what you would expect. I once created a stage 5 Klingon that took a few months to get rid of.

Well the plan is set in place for this weekend. Apparently she has a boyfriend but when I asked her she said there was no one. I may have my work cut out for me but this one is for the team and to save our beloved watering hole.

Wish me luck...

I'm Back... I think.

I have taken a little over a year off to focus on a start-up business as well as a book I am writing. Every month I receive a emails asking why I haven't posted anything in a long time. People asking if I am still alive, things like that.

I am alive and I will start writing again. After a flurry of emails this month I decided it was time, and that I was ready. I have gained plenty of material over the last year to write about. I still don't like a lot of people very much and I doubt that will change.

Stay tuned....