Life as a Doorman

I spent several years working some of the hottest nightclubs around town. It has never ceased to amaze me how stupid some people are. I have no sympathy for people that can’t hold their liquor. I thought I would put together a little guide of some of the things the used to really piss me off. Here are 20 of them:

1) Glow sticks are not cool. No exceptions

2) Giving 5 bucks is like paying me to ignore you. No, I am not letting you jump the line for $5. I am going to keep your money and hit on your girlfriend while I tell her how cheap you are.

3) If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English. I don’t want to talk to drunken people. I don’t want to hear your side of the story. You are wrong and I am right. Please feel free to disagree with me.  I have been looking for a reason to use you as a human discus when I throw you out of the club.

4) Do not stand at the bottom of the stairs. Do not complain how crowded it is at the bottom of the stairs. These things will just make me look for a reason to kick you out.

5) Do not puke in the club. There are no second chances. Do not puke on me; I will clean it up with your face.

6) Do not come and tell me about how you are going to hook up with one of the servers and how hot she is. It is not going to happen and will just make me angry. I am likely sleeping with her myself.

7) The bar closes at 2. Finish your drinks and leave. If I have to ask you again I will be more than happy to assist you in finishing your drink. Hell, I will even pour it in your pocket so that you can take it with you.

8) Please start by saying “Don’t you know who I am.” This only makes me want to be pleasant to you and let you into the bar. I don’t give a fuck who you think you are. If I don’t know you it really doesn't matter doesn't it?

9) If you tell me that you are going to go to your car and get “something”, I will knock you out on the spot as I believe you will get a gun and try and shoot me.

10) Don’t ask me if this is the best job I can get. I am going to school and working at a full time career. I work here because I like sex with hot chicks and I being paid to thump snotty little kids like you.

11) No you cannot wear runners inside the club. Yes I know I am wearing runners but I’m not inside the fucking club am I? I am standing outside keeping people like you from infecting all the good patrons inside.

12) You do not meet the dress code and that is way you can’t come in. I don’t care that I already let your girlfriend in. She is hot, you are not. No! You are not a hipster you are a dickster. Iron your fucking shirt. You put homeless people to shame. No wonder you girlfriend is inside the club without you. If you want to come in go home and put on some adult type clothes.

13) Thank you for showing me your tits. I would love to get you inside the club right away, but you see that line there? Well you see all those girls there? They showed me their tits before you did so if you can just get in line behind them I will help you out as soon as possible. Yes I want to see your tits. No you cannot bribe me with them. Your tits do not make me money.

14) Don’t touch me. Unless you are an attractive, single female, that isn’t sloppy drunk, keep your hands off me. If you touch me I will practice the latest jiu jistu technique that I learned on your hand. Hopefully it hurts.

15) Put a leash on your bitch. If you can’t control your girl leave her at home with your dog. I won’t hit a girl but I will happily beat you until you realize what you did wrong. If your girl is a mouth piece then don’t bring her out. No one wants to hear that shit. If your girlfriend hits on me, that is your problem not mine. If she decides she wants to go home with me instead of you please don’t try and stop it from happening. It will only make me angry and her like me more when I have to beat your ass to make you leave.

16) Do not try and fight me. I have been doing this a long time and don’t recall losing a fight. I am not sure how many of us bouncers it will take to kick your ass but I know how many of us we are going to use. Think about that the next time you decide to be an asshole.

17) Please don’t talk to me unless you are introducing me to your hot single female friend. You are not my friend and I have nothing to say to you. Just because you come to this bar 3 nights a week does not mean we have anything in common. You are a loser. If you weren’t you would be doing something else; like perhaps a girlfriend.

18) You are not a tough guy. Do not pick on people smaller than you in the bar. I hate bullies. I will kick your ass just so you know what it feels like. If someone bumps into you in the bar it is because it is fucking busy and crowded. Not because they want to pick a fight with some gangster wannabe. No you are not a gangster! Real gangsters does cause shit at the club. You are someone that was too much of a pussy to deal with their feelings as a kid. Now you think it is ok to pick on other people and make them hurt. You probably beat you girlfriend. Please don’t let me see this happen. I will stomp on you until you piss blood. My friends will help because we don’t like people like you.

19) Do not touch the waitress or grab her ass. If you do this I will have no option but to let everyone in the bar know what a douchebag you are. Chances are that waitress is dating one of the doormen. Kicking your ass is just the right thing to do.

20) Do tell me that I need to let you in because you will drop so much money in the bar. If you are going to make it rain start making it rain at the front door. Otherwise I will assume you are just another cheap fuck who will do nothing but cause problems for me if I let you in the bar.