If women
said what they really meant the world would be a better place and everyone
would get laid more often.
I have
definitely reached a place in my life where I have no desire or want to play
games anymore. This especially includes the “guess
what I really mean” game women like to play. I just have neither time nor
patience for this anymore. Instead I will just take advantage of the fact that
she could have told me what she wanted but didn’t.
For the most
part I tend to be fairly outspoken and honest. I hate it when people ask me a
question but don’t want to hear the truth. Don’t ask me if you look fat in what
you are wearing and expect me to lie about it. It’s just not fair. Besides do
you really want to build a relationship on lies and distrust?
"DO I
LOOK FAT?" There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted
"yes". "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I
don't know" means yes. "It doesn't matter" means yes. The slightest
hint of a pause before speaking means yes. Most of us would rather take our
degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a
week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no
possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged
fact and not simply your opinion. However there is another approach to this.
Consider the following:
When women ask “Do I look fat in this
dress?” they are really asking if the man still finds them desirable. Would it
not be easier on everyone to just ask that? Or to ask “Are you still attracted
to me”? We all know this wouldn’t make it any easier as they are all loaded
questions with hidden meanings. The best response I can think of to these types
of questions is along the lines of: “I want to have sex with you. I want to
have sex with you all the time. So whatever your body looks like must be
working for me because I think you are hot.” Or if you feel like rolling the
dice and you don’t really care about your relationship you can just responded
with a simple “Yup” to the “Do I look fat?” question.
Instead of
dropping all kinds of vague and subtle hints for what you want, just come out
and ask for it. We will both be happier for it. You may get what you want; I
won’t have to play a fucking guessing game, and we can both move on with our
lives. If you don’t want to have sex then for the love of god just tell me so I
can go and find some good porn then go to sleep myself. How am I supposed to
know if you are playing one of your “hard to get” games?
I have
learned to decipher some of this female code over the years. The translations
below have been put together of the last 150 years by teams of distinguished
scientists. It is not guaranteed to be accurate, but it is the best we have
been able to do with the technology we have today.
For the sake of your genitals don’t mess
these ones up…
“Is there
someone else?” No!
“Do you
still fantasize about her?” No!
“Are you
tired of me?” No!
“Do you
still love me?” Yes!
“Do you ever
fantasise about me?” Yes!
“Do you like
my hair this way?” Yes!
Here are some common phrases that have been
translated for your convenience…
"Yes"
= No
"No"
= No but sometimes Yes
"Maybe"
= No
"I'm
sorry" = you’ll be sorry
"We
need" = I want
"It's
your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Do
what you want" = You'll pay for this later
"We
need to talk" = I need to complain
"Sure
go ahead" = I don't want you to
"I'm
not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"You're
so manly" = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
"Be
romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs
"This
kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house
"I want
new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper, and a puppy
"I
heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep. Now that you are up I
am thirsty.
"Do you
love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
"How
much do you love me?" = I did something today you're going to hate
"I'll
be ready in a minute" = Just going to wash and straighten my hair, try on
18 outfits, pick an outfit then try on 33 pairs of shoes, 6 handbags and 9
belts. You should just grab a beer and watch the game.
"You
have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
"Are
you listening to me!?" = Too late, you're dead
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