Out Of Order

This was in the men's washroom at work today.

So I responded appropriately...

Landlords

Dear Vancouver Landlords:

Why do so many of you make renting your apartment so difficult?

It starts with the ad. You know what your apartment looks like; you know how big (or small) the rooms are, what floor it's on, which cardinal direction it faces, if it has a balcony, what's covering the floors. You know if your building has parking, allows pets, allows barbecues. But guess what? I don't.

Now I have to phone you to find out.

If you put up an ad about your rental apartment, and you leave out important details, be prepared to answer questions about those details. But more importantly, be prepared to receive calls about your apartment. That also means responding to voicemails left for you by prospective tenants. (And it seems like the property management companies are the worst offenders on this point. I guess they figure it's less trouble to repost the same Craigslist ads over and over again instead of returning voicemails.) And if you want to cut down on the calls, put the building's actual street address in the ad so I can Google Street View it - its amazing what you can tell about a building just by looking at the outside!

Finally, through divine intervention, I'm able to speak to you and get answers to my questions. Your apartment sounds great - I'd love to view it! Sorry, but no - Thursday morning at 11:00am isn't good for me. I'm employed Monday to Friday during the day - isn't steady employment something you're looking for in a prospective tenant? Begrudgingly you agree to a Saturday morning appointment at the time of your choosing to view - how gracious.

I arrive to see your suite. Wow.

Let's clarify a few things, shall we?

* The adjectives "spacious" / "roomy" / "large" / "oversized" does not apply to any unit whose square footage begins with the digits 4 or 5 and is only 3 digits long. Wishing for something does not make it so.

* "Garden suite" is just a seven dollar word for "basement suite".

* Unless you're Morticia Addams, "garden level" should never mean "below ground".

* Yes, I will check to see if your apartment is on the Bedbug Registry. Yes, I'm familiar with how difficult and expensive a problem bedbugs are, and I don't want any of my own, thanks.

* "Newly renovated" shouldn't refer to historical events. Avocado green isn't coming back, sorry.

* "South Granville" is the informal name for "Fairview", the neighbourhood between Burrard and Cambie, and from the water up to 16th Avenue or so. That south end of Granville down by the airport? That's "Marpole". If you don't know what neighbourhood you're in, don't guess - find out.

* Know the rules about renting in this province. The Residential Tenancy Office has all the information you need to know, and great FAQs like a list of your Rights and Responsibilities when entering into a tenancy agreement.

Let's say through some miracle that your suite actually is as you led me to believe in your ad and on the phone. I like it, and I want to rent it. Great - let's do business!

Now as a landlord, I can understand your position. You want to make sure that your tenants can pay their rent, have a job, and are responsible adults. You want to make sure that they're good, respectful people, and will look after your property. And you know what? Kudos to you. So you want me to fill out a detailed application with tons of my personal information, give you permission to check my credit score, and provide some rental and employment references. No problem - happy to do it. We're entering into a business relationship after all!

But wait - it's the second to last weekend of February. I haven't found a new place yet, so obviously I haven't given notice where I am - I don't want to be homeless if I don't find a new place! So yes, I'm looking to take possession for April 1st. I have to give my current landlord a month's notice, after all - giving the proper notice and acting like a responsible adult are my usual ways of making sure that I have those sparkling rental references and steady job that you, as a prospective landlord, are looking for in your tenants.

What's that? You want to rent it for March 1st, and won't entertain my application for April? You want me to just screw over my current landlord in your favour and just up and leave? You suggest paying March's rent on both apartments?

Are you insane?

Fine, I'll come back next weekend and apply, just in case you find somebody (already homeless? living at their parents' house? desperate enough that couch surfing at the end of the month is preferable to staying where they are? was kicked out of their old place midmonth?) that wants to rent it for March in the meantime. Maybe you're the betting type, and you want to gamble that you'll fill the vacancy for March instead of taking the sure thing for April. What have you got to lose - you told me to come back next weekend, right?

Like a sucker, I do just that. Places worth renting seem to be hard to come by, so I figure it's worth it. So here I am, back again on the following weekend. Can we do this?

Oh, what's that? You, as the building manager, don't make the decision? You have to send in the application to your "screening company", and you'll let me know in "a few days"? I have to give notice tomorrow to be able to take your place on April 1st. You don't see a problem here?

Why didn't we do this last week when I was here? Why did you send me away? Why are you making this so difficult?

You want a tenant with sterling rental references, a six-figure salary and Bill Gates' credit score, and is never home (or is at least deaf and mute) who wants to rent your broke-down, misrepresented, dirty, embarrassingly-small underground suite sandwiched between the elevator shaft and the dumpsters on a moment's notice. Dear Vancouver landlords, I wish you luck.

Party Lights

From: Susan Hunt

Date: Sunday 7 October 2012 11:32pm
To: Nick Alexander
Subject: Bright Light

Dear Nick,

Someone has installed a very bright light outside the building. Do you know anything about this? I am unable to sleep as the light shines into my bedroom.

Yours Sincerely,

Susan Hunt

__________________________________________________

From: Nick Alexander
Date: Sunday 7 October 2012 11:47pm
To: Susan Hunt
Subject: Re: Bright Light

Dear Susan,

Yes.

Regards Nick

__________________________________________________ 

From: Susan Hunt
Date: Sunday 7 October 2012 11:48pm
To: Nick Alexander
Subject: Re: Re: Bright Light

Yes what? You do know something about the bright light?

Yours Sincerely,

Susan Hunt

__________________________________________________ 

From: Nick Alexander
Date: Sunday 7 October 2012 11:51pm
To: Susan Hunt
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Bright Light

Dear Susan,

Yes.

Regards Nick

__________________________________________________ 

From: Susan Hunt
Date: Sunday 7 October 2012 11:53pm
To: Nick Alexander
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bright Light

Ughhh! It is always so frustrating talking to you. You are the worst neighbor ever.

Did you install the bright light outside of our building? Why would you do that? Can you please turn it off so that I can go to sleep? It is very bright.

Yours Sincerely,

Susan Hunt

 __________________________________________________

From: Nick Alexander
Date: Sunday 7 October 2012 11:56pm
To: Susan Hunt
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bright Light

Dear Susan,

Last night you were playing some of your techno dance party music until 4:30 in the morning. I knocked on the walls several times in an attempt to have you turn down the volume but that was to no avail. I might have come to your door and rang the doorbell but I feared that you may have lost your job and turned your suite into an opium den. I did not feel it safe to run the risk of encountering the unsavory characters that may be coming and going from your new establishment.

As a matter of convenience and being the kind neighbor that I am, I decided I would just switch my days and nights around. I would hate to interfere with your only source of income as you lost your job and now need to sell your body. As such it occurred to me that sleeping during the day and being awake at night meant that I would not see the sun. The thought of this was depressing so I installed several lights outside the building so that it would feel like it was day time while I am awake at night.

Regards Nick

__________________________________________________ 

From: Susan Hunt
Date: Sunday 7 October 2012 11:59pm
To: Nick Alexander
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bright Light

What the fuck are you talking about? I did not lose my job and I’m not selling my body!

I had some friends over last night and we were playing some music. I don’t need to be awake right now; I have to work in the morning. Will you please turn of those lights?

I should probably tell you now that I am having a party next Saturday as it’s my birthday. We will be playing music then also.

Yours Sincerely,

Susan Hunt

 __________________________________________________

From: Nick Alexander
Date: Monday 8 October 2012 12:03am
To: Susan Hunt
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bright Light

Dear Susan,

I am sure that you can see how I was confused with the situation. After the music was finally turned off at 4:30 in the morning I was kept awake by what I thought was you participating in a gangbang. You sounded very enthusiastic, but I guess you have to have a positive attitude or you might not get good tips. I also did not realize that you were so religious but then again if I was being gangbanged by a group of men I would be saying “oh god” a lot also. Could I please ask that you pull your bed away from the wall a few inches? I was trying to Google pictures of Ryan Reynolds and it was very hard to concentrate with all of the banging. I am glad that we have got this cleared up.

Is the party going to be a costume party? You haven’t given me much notice to find something to wear. Has Sailor Moon already been taken?

Regards Nick

__________________________________________________ 

From: Susan Hunt
Date: Monday 8 October 2012 12:11am
To: Nick Alexander
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bright Light

Nick,

The light is still on outside, please turn it off immediately. I need to be up for work in less than 6 hours.

OMG I don’t want to have this conversation with you anymore. It is not a costume party and you are not invited. There was no gangbang.

Yours Sincerely,

Susan Hunt

__________________________________________________ 

From: Nick Alexander
Date: Monday 8 October 2012 12:14am
To: Susan Hunt
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bright Light

Dear Susan,

Since you will be up when I am going to bed and it is garbage day can I ask that you take my garbage out with yours?

Also I would suggest that you also switch your days and nights around. It has worked out well for me so far.

It is easy to see how you forgot to invite me to the party as you did not send out any invitations. I will take care of the invitations for you. Is there a theme for the party? Perhaps I can bring spinach dip. I make a really good spinach dip.

Regards Nick

 __________________________________________________

From: Susan Hunt
Date: Monday 8 October 2012 12:19am
To: Nick Alexander
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bright Light

Fuck off. Don’t email me again.

Yours Sincerely,

Susan Hunt

 __________________________________________________

From: Nick Alexander
Date: Monday 8 October 2012 12:22am
To: Susan Hunt
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bright Light

Ok.

Regards Nick

 __________________________________________________

From: Susan Hunt
Date: Monday 8 October 2012 12:23am
To: Nick Alexander
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bright Light

Are you being a dick or are you agreeing not to email me again?

 __________________________________________________

From: Nick Alexander
Date: Monday 8 October 2012 12:25am
To: Susan Hunt
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bright Light

Dear Susan,

I have prepared an invitation for your party and sent it out to a few guests? Attached is a copy in case there are people you want to invite also.

 __________________________________________________

From: Susan Hunt
Date: Monday 8 October 2012 12:28am
To: Nick Alexander
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bright Light

Go to Hell. And for fuck sake turn off that fucking light!

Yours Sincerely,

Susan Hunt

__________________________________________________

Not sure how I feel about this...

My Life, My Rules.

1. Cut your losses. Be a man. If you have ventured down the wrong path it is never too late to admit you mistakes and turn back.

2. Have a sense of humour. Learn to take a joke

3. Master the art of revenge but save it for those truly deserving.

4. Be honest with yourself. It will be easier to be honest with others.

5. Never be content. Challenge yourself daily

6. Be interesting. Be unique from everyone around you and you will be noticed.

7. Don’t be a nice guy.

8. Eat good! Drink good! Fuck good!

9. Respect the finer things in life.

10. Work hard when you are young so you can rest when you are old.

11. Always be ready so you never have to get ready!

12. Break the law. If only once in your life.

13. Don’t be afraid of death. There is nothing you can do about it but respect life.

14. Be healthy

15. Be who you truly are. Don’t let anyone else tell you who you are.

16. Fight like a man. Stand up for what you believe in.

17. Protect your woman. Never let anyone say or do anything to the women in your life. If people think you are weak they will try and take from you.

18. Dress well. Have some respect for yourself and dress to impress

19. Love what you do. If you don’t love what you do then stop and start doing what you love.

20. Don’t Worry, Be Happy. Only worry about those things that are in your control.

21. Treasure you friends. True friends will always be there for you.

22. Winning isn't everything. You don’t always have to win. Save it for when it really counts.

23. Live life as every moment could be your last. Have no regrets any never wish you had done something.

24. Fuck fear. Fear is just your body’s way of telling you that what you are about to do is going to be awesome.

25. Don’t live life by rules. Make your own rules and live life the way that makes you the happiest.

Cryptic messages from the female tongue

If women said what they really meant the world would be a better place and everyone would get laid more often.

I have definitely reached a place in my life where I have no desire or want to play games anymore. This especially includes the “guess what I really mean” game women like to play. I just have neither time nor patience for this anymore. Instead I will just take advantage of the fact that she could have told me what she wanted but didn’t.

For the most part I tend to be fairly outspoken and honest. I hate it when people ask me a question but don’t want to hear the truth. Don’t ask me if you look fat in what you are wearing and expect me to lie about it. It’s just not fair. Besides do you really want to build a relationship on lies and distrust?

"DO I LOOK FAT?" There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted "yes". "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It doesn't matter" means yes. The slightest hint of a pause before speaking means yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. However there is another approach to this. Consider the following:

When women ask “Do I look fat in this dress?” they are really asking if the man still finds them desirable. Would it not be easier on everyone to just ask that? Or to ask “Are you still attracted to me”? We all know this wouldn’t make it any easier as they are all loaded questions with hidden meanings. The best response I can think of to these types of questions is along the lines of: “I want to have sex with you. I want to have sex with you all the time. So whatever your body looks like must be working for me because I think you are hot.” Or if you feel like rolling the dice and you don’t really care about your relationship you can just responded with a simple “Yup” to the “Do I look fat?” question.

Instead of dropping all kinds of vague and subtle hints for what you want, just come out and ask for it. We will both be happier for it. You may get what you want; I won’t have to play a fucking guessing game, and we can both move on with our lives. If you don’t want to have sex then for the love of god just tell me so I can go and find some good porn then go to sleep myself. How am I supposed to know if you are playing one of your “hard to get” games?

I have learned to decipher some of this female code over the years. The translations below have been put together of the last 150 years by teams of distinguished scientists. It is not guaranteed to be accurate, but it is the best we have been able to do with the technology we have today.

For the sake of your genitals don’t mess these ones up…

“Is there someone else?”  No!

“Do you still fantasize about her?”  No!

“Are you tired of me?”  No!

“Do you still love me?”  Yes!

“Do you ever fantasise about me?”  Yes!

“Do you like my hair this way?”  Yes!

Here are some common phrases that have been translated for your convenience…

"Yes" = No

"No" = No but sometimes Yes

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry" = you’ll be sorry

"We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now

"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later

"We need to talk" = I need to complain

"Sure go ahead" = I don't want you to

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

"You're so manly" = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house

"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper, and a puppy

"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep. Now that you are up I am thirsty.

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're going to hate

"I'll be ready in a minute" = Just going to wash and straighten my hair, try on 18 outfits, pick an outfit then try on 33 pairs of shoes, 6 handbags and 9 belts. You should just grab a beer and watch the game.

"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me

"Are you listening to me!?" = Too late, you're dead

Fishy Eater

Dear Fishy Eater,

You are all that is wrong with society. Thank you for providing further proof to my cause that some people should be dragged into the street and stoned to death. Your children hate you, but not as much as I do. It is no wonder that your spouse is sleeping with your best friend. They both also hate you.

What makes you think that it is acceptable to microwave your leftover fish at work? Did your parents not give you enough love? Is this about the hole-punch someone took from your desk? It belonged in the copy room anyway. What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously, we all want to know.

Thank you for filling the office with the pungent order of your left overfish. I just threw up in my mouth. My olfactory nerve has suffered irreparable damage. When I find out who you are I will stab you in the eye with my pen. You should feel my pain. All work has now stopped in the office because of you. Is this some form of terrorism? Do you work for Al-Qaeda?

Are you the result of what happens when you do too many drugs? We took a poll in the office and decided it would be best for everyone if you just died. It will take the rest of the day to get this stench out of the office. I will have to burn my clothes when I get home as that is the only reasonable way to get rid of this smell.

When I find out who you are I will shit in your desk drawer; you can save it for later, apparently you enjoy offensive odors. I hope you choke on a fish bone. Has it not become apparent to you that you are a horrible human being?

I understand that you are probably trying to save money by eating leftovers; or perhaps and more likely on a diet and trying to eat healthy but do that shit on your own time at home. No one cares that you think you are fat and need to eat healthy. Eat a carrot!

No one here wants to smell that shit your wife cooked last night. You married her, your problem. Please don’t’ bring your personal life to work and “share”. Make a sandwich or get some takeout like every other normal person in this office. It is a shame that you have come to think that this smell is normal and acceptable. It is not. If you wife tells you it is, tell her to see a doctor.

Please be considerate to others in this office and leave your fish at home. If you bring fish to work again rest assured that I probably found it in the fridge before lunch and pissed on it.

Sincerely,

Nick Alexander

Mind your own god damn business

I am not a religious person. Generally I have a lot of respect for the choices people make regarding their religion. What I don’t like is when people try to force their beliefs on me.

I’m sitting at restaurant at having a discussion with my friend Sarah about some of the women I had hooked up with recently. A lady sitting two tables away got up, came over to my table and sat down. She said to me “You need the lord in your life to provide you with guidance”.

Sarah and I just stared at each other in disbelief. For those that know me well, know that I am outspoken and will freely share my opinion.

I said to the women “I don’t really see how this is any concern of yours.”

The lady replied “We are all god’s children and sometimes we need saving from ourselves. I feel that I have been sent to save you from your life of promiscuity and to help you find your way. You need a good woman and the bible will help you find one.”

Are you fucking kidding me? Why do all the crazies talk to me? I swear it must be the cologne I wear or something. Sarah is now starting to laugh as she thinks this is hilarious.

I looked at the women and said “You mean I should find a woman like one depicted in the bible?”

The woman responded with a big smile and said “Son, you are clearly on the path to salvation. You should come to church with my husband and I. We will help you find a suitable woman.”

Sarah is now almost unable to control herself. I can see that her eyes are starting to water up and she is doing all she can to control her laughter. This is now making hard for me to keep a straight face.

I smiled back at the woman and responded, “You are so right. Thank you for helping me. I believe the bible has already pointed me in the right direction. I think that Ezekiel 23 talks about such a suitable women. Thank you some much for you so much for you concern but I would appreciate it if you were to mind your own fucking business.”

This woman became irate and started yelling at me in the restaurant. She was banging her fist on the table. She was calling me a heathen and yelling how the lord will punish me for all that I have done and that I must repent before it was too late. Now the entire restaurant was looking at my table. Sarah now had tears running down her face and was trying to take in breaths of air while laughing.

The manager had to remove the lady from the restaurant. She was yelling and screaming the whole way out the door. I looked at her husband and felt sorry for him. The manager came over an asked what that was all about. We told him the crazy lady just sat down at our table and went off. The manager took care of our meal for us and apologized.

Below is an excerpt from Ezekiel 23…

Ezekiel 23:19-20

Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.

Well played sir!

Kinda hard not to respect this...

Am I Gay?

Am I Gay? Male Self Examination Quiz

In case you are wondering perhaps this will help you decide.

   

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah Diet.

   

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

   

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pig feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.

   

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

   

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

   

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

   

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

Lord Voldermorgan

Sometime ago  I had moved to another city and things may not have been going so well for me. I met a chick and things got serious fast. I sent an email to a friend regarding this and some time later he had marked it up and sent it back to me. Lord Voldermorgan was the nickname we gave my ex fiance, her name was Morgan.  It is also important to note that I had to put her horse down... this may have contributed to the break up. Below is what he sent back. Excuse the spelling and grammatical errors the original email was sent via an iPhone.

Waiting for texts

Life as a Doorman

I spent several years working some of the hottest nightclubs around town. It has never ceased to amaze me how stupid some people are. I have no sympathy for people that can’t hold their liquor. I thought I would put together a little guide of some of the things the used to really piss me off. Here are 20 of them:

1) Glow sticks are not cool. No exceptions

2) Giving 5 bucks is like paying me to ignore you. No, I am not letting you jump the line for $5. I am going to keep your money and hit on your girlfriend while I tell her how cheap you are.

3) If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English. I don’t want to talk to drunken people. I don’t want to hear your side of the story. You are wrong and I am right. Please feel free to disagree with me.  I have been looking for a reason to use you as a human discus when I throw you out of the club.

4) Do not stand at the bottom of the stairs. Do not complain how crowded it is at the bottom of the stairs. These things will just make me look for a reason to kick you out.

5) Do not puke in the club. There are no second chances. Do not puke on me; I will clean it up with your face.

6) Do not come and tell me about how you are going to hook up with one of the servers and how hot she is. It is not going to happen and will just make me angry. I am likely sleeping with her myself.

7) The bar closes at 2. Finish your drinks and leave. If I have to ask you again I will be more than happy to assist you in finishing your drink. Hell, I will even pour it in your pocket so that you can take it with you.

8) Please start by saying “Don’t you know who I am.” This only makes me want to be pleasant to you and let you into the bar. I don’t give a fuck who you think you are. If I don’t know you it really doesn't matter doesn't it?

9) If you tell me that you are going to go to your car and get “something”, I will knock you out on the spot as I believe you will get a gun and try and shoot me.

10) Don’t ask me if this is the best job I can get. I am going to school and working at a full time career. I work here because I like sex with hot chicks and I being paid to thump snotty little kids like you.

11) No you cannot wear runners inside the club. Yes I know I am wearing runners but I’m not inside the fucking club am I? I am standing outside keeping people like you from infecting all the good patrons inside.

12) You do not meet the dress code and that is way you can’t come in. I don’t care that I already let your girlfriend in. She is hot, you are not. No! You are not a hipster you are a dickster. Iron your fucking shirt. You put homeless people to shame. No wonder you girlfriend is inside the club without you. If you want to come in go home and put on some adult type clothes.

13) Thank you for showing me your tits. I would love to get you inside the club right away, but you see that line there? Well you see all those girls there? They showed me their tits before you did so if you can just get in line behind them I will help you out as soon as possible. Yes I want to see your tits. No you cannot bribe me with them. Your tits do not make me money.

14) Don’t touch me. Unless you are an attractive, single female, that isn’t sloppy drunk, keep your hands off me. If you touch me I will practice the latest jiu jistu technique that I learned on your hand. Hopefully it hurts.

15) Put a leash on your bitch. If you can’t control your girl leave her at home with your dog. I won’t hit a girl but I will happily beat you until you realize what you did wrong. If your girl is a mouth piece then don’t bring her out. No one wants to hear that shit. If your girlfriend hits on me, that is your problem not mine. If she decides she wants to go home with me instead of you please don’t try and stop it from happening. It will only make me angry and her like me more when I have to beat your ass to make you leave.

16) Do not try and fight me. I have been doing this a long time and don’t recall losing a fight. I am not sure how many of us bouncers it will take to kick your ass but I know how many of us we are going to use. Think about that the next time you decide to be an asshole.

17) Please don’t talk to me unless you are introducing me to your hot single female friend. You are not my friend and I have nothing to say to you. Just because you come to this bar 3 nights a week does not mean we have anything in common. You are a loser. If you weren’t you would be doing something else; like perhaps a girlfriend.

18) You are not a tough guy. Do not pick on people smaller than you in the bar. I hate bullies. I will kick your ass just so you know what it feels like. If someone bumps into you in the bar it is because it is fucking busy and crowded. Not because they want to pick a fight with some gangster wannabe. No you are not a gangster! Real gangsters does cause shit at the club. You are someone that was too much of a pussy to deal with their feelings as a kid. Now you think it is ok to pick on other people and make them hurt. You probably beat you girlfriend. Please don’t let me see this happen. I will stomp on you until you piss blood. My friends will help because we don’t like people like you.

19) Do not touch the waitress or grab her ass. If you do this I will have no option but to let everyone in the bar know what a douchebag you are. Chances are that waitress is dating one of the doormen. Kicking your ass is just the right thing to do.

20) Do tell me that I need to let you in because you will drop so much money in the bar. If you are going to make it rain start making it rain at the front door. Otherwise I will assume you are just another cheap fuck who will do nothing but cause problems for me if I let you in the bar.

Hands Off! Pants On!

I was sitting here thinking about what I was going to do for Christmas and whether or not I was going to go home for a visit. I was looking for an old email and came across this chain between by friend Greg, his wife Leslie and I.

Perhaps some background; I had recently moved and was using their garage to store some of my items while I transition. Leslie is not really a woman to be trifled with. She has a black belt in judo and in general doesn't really take my guff.

Leslie`s sister is a model named Rosie. I am not allowed to date her. Apparently Leslie thinks she knows me or something. This still does not stop me from making inappropriate comments about her sister.

Below is the last half of an email chain regarding my visit to the D family for Christmas dinner.

From: Nick Alexander
Sent: December 17, 2008 8:22 AM
To: Greg D
Subject: RE: make it stop

I will tell you my solution to end all problems for mankind… well at least me. So for Xmas dinner Rosie will be there. I will bring Margaret. I know that Margaret is down so I will only need to talk Rosie into it. I have seen Rosie’s Facebook I don’t think it will be too hard. I will have the 2 of them making out before the stuffing is even on the table. Then comes part 2 of my plan… oh wait I don’t need to tell you. I’m sure you can figure out where it goes from here. Bow Chica wow wa!
 
 
Thank you,

Nick Alexander

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From: Greg D
Sent: December 17, 2008 8:24 AM
To: Leslie D; Nick Alexander
Subject: Fw: make it stop

I will let my wife comment on your plan.

Just remember that Nick and I are both at work, so choose your expletives carefully.

Thank you,

Greg D

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From: Leslie D
Sent: December 17, 2008 9:44 AM
To: Nick Alexander; Greg D
Subject: RE: make it stop

My solution for mankind:

Extradite all atheist heterosexual men over the age of 9 to Greenland. All diseased or religious men will be slaughtered to get them to heaven faster because they deserve it.  All diseased women and children will go to Africa to live out their lives in peace. Pay gay men to donate sperm to women who have passed a specified IQ test. Women who wish to bitch will be sent to Greenland to provide entertainment for the men.  Women rule the earth, peace is achieved, AIDS is cured, poverty ended and happiness for all. Commune living will once again thrive and women will have less work and more free time.  

But really, Nick is all talk; he doesn’t have the balls to initiate such an event.  He’s just so deprived that it’s the little head that’s doing all the thinking. Before coming to dinner he’d best spend some time in new west with the Dancers, Prancers, and Vixens so that he can clear the pressure on his head.  Foolish moves will result in dislocated shoulders and a restriction of blood and air to the brain. Or at the very least he’ll get clubbed with a frying pan Dinosaurs-style and forced to sleep in the garage.

Merry Christmas.

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From: Nick Alexander
Sent: December 17, 2008 9:27 AM
To: Leslie D; Greg D
Subject: RE: make it stop

Greg,

            That was not so much as a bus that you threw me under, more of an Alberta freight train. But thank you, I owe you one.

Leslie,

            Initiating such events is something I have had a little practice at. I’m not sure there is a lack of courage in that department. However if you could elaborate on what moves may and/or shall be deemed as “foolish” it would be greatly appreciated. It has occurred to me that we may have a difference of opinion as to what is deemed as “foolish”. Is there perhaps a middle ground where I would only be clubbed with a frying pan Dinosaurs-style? I believe that I could live with that as it would be for the better good of the cause. Thank you for you time concerning this matter.

Thank you,

Nick Alexander

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From: Leslie D
Sent: December 17, 2008 10:39 AM
To: Nick Alexander; Greg
Subject: RE: make it stop

If it gets stiff, you’re in hot water. Plain and simple

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From: Nick Alexander
Sent: December 17, 2008 9:52 AM
To: Leslie D; Greg D
Subject: RE: make it stop

Wow this is really a catch 22 situation here. I guess I will have to settle for just sitting next to Rosie then. But I hear it’s bad luck to interfere with the magic of Christmas.

Thank you,

Nick Alexander

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From: Leslie D
Sent: December 17, 2008 11:20 AM
To: Nick Alexander; Greg D
Subject: RE: make it stop

Dear Sir,

In regards to the large quantity of goods that you have yet to reclaim from our facility and the money outstanding on your account I would suggest that you refrain from soliciting your services within our company.  Failure to comply will result in liquidation of your goods and irreversible damage to your reproductive organs.

In order to reclaim your goods, participate in the turkey consumption event, and leave with your reproductive organs intact, I’d suggest you stick to the following guidelines: “Hands off, pants on”.

There will be compliance officers present at the event to ensure the enjoyment and safety for all of our guests.  Upon completion of the event, your prompt payment and removal of goods is highly recommended.

Thank you,

Leslie D

CEO D Family Homestead Inc.

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From: Nick Alexander
Sent: December 17, 2008 10:38 AM
To: Leslie D
Subject: RE: make it stop

I will be on my BEST behavior… promise.

Thank you,

Nick Alexander

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From: Leslie D
Sent: December 17, 2008 11:31 AM
To: Nick Alexander; Greg D
Subject: RE: make it stop

I am glad to see that you have reconsidered our offer. I look forward to our appointment on December 25.  If you have any other concerns regarding your conduct, expectations, or scheduling, please speak with one of the enforcement officers onsite upon arrival.

Wishing you a pleasant holiday season,

Leslie D

Game over??

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